Nothing particularly blogworthy has happened on my last few dates, so I thought that instead I could address this issue of The Friend-Zone.
The Friend-Zone is, naturally, a very topical issue. Some maintain that men never friend-zone, but are always the friend-zoned. Others that once you are in the friend-zone your are pretty much fucked, or rather unfuckworthy, for the rest of your life.
I have not yet conducted an extensive study of the topic, but I am in a good position to provide some tips for guys who wish to avoid ‘The Zone of Death’.
1. When I tell you that I’m vegetarian, don’t then order a particularly meaty meal and say something along the lines of “om nom yummy cow in my belly”. You will not be friend-zoned. You will be dick-zoned. Period.
2. Don’t tell me that you’ve spent the last few months getting over your last pyscho girlfriend or that you have a fragile heart. Mother mode will kick in and I will forever be trying to hook you up with my plain, sweet friends who “wouldn’t hurt a fly”.
3. If our waitress is rather booby or looks like Zooey Deschanel, it’s a good idea to tell me that I look lovely, or that my shirt is particularly pretty etc. etc.
4. Don’t tell me that you want to get into the dating world again. We’re on a date. You’re in it. Asswipe.
5. If I sms you and suggest that I’d like a follow up, i.e. that you have not yet been friend-zoned and I would definitely like to get to know you in a non-platonic kinda way, you have an hour to respond. An hour. After that, you’ll be up for election as my best friend’s rebound after her next particularly messy break up.
Now don’t say that I didn’t warn you.
Go forth and remain unfriend-zoned.